Self-Advice Over M

M is being an asshole. He has for a while. I can offer blunt advice to others on reddit, but can’t seem to knock myself out of this one. So perhaps typing it out and reflecting may be helpful.

Ok, so I was clueless and didn’t click that he liked me for years.

  • He moved to Australia to study abroad in Sydney for a semester rather than go to university in his first semester, and ended up taking a gap year. I’m 80% sure the fact that I was studying here in Australia had a small but significant part of that choice. It’s not arrogance, it’s based on his actions, which point towards his intention of wanting to be closer to me.
  • I visited him, and we slept in the same bed, man that was uncomfortable. He made me pancakes in the morning from a website I showed him.
  • He later told me over Skype that he liked me. I was dating P and had no idea what to say other than, “Oh shit.” for a while. I didn’t have the balls to tell him then that I was dating someone.
  • We went to NYC together later that year in December. I used my points, and paid the surcharges. He suggested the hotel, and said it’d be cheaper if we shared a bed. I asked if it would be a problem for him since I didn’t want to be weird for him. He said he was ok, if I was ok. So he booked a single bed. I was the first one to kiss him and possibly the first one to give him a blowjob, but I’m not sure.
  • He’s given me gifts like books, buttons, a fox plushy (omg, just realised, was that like saying “I think you’re foxy”?!?!!?!!!), written me letters that are pages and pages… I had reciprocated and given him presents for his birthday and Christmas.
  • He texted me so much I got annoyed and barely responded.

 

Now the shoe is on the other foot. He barely responds to my texts and outright ignores others. We don’t Skype anymore. No more likes on IG.

I sometimes think of that night in NYC and fantasise that he’s fucking me. Maybe he’s just enamoured with his boyfriend.

What do I want? I want him to be my friend again. I want to have a friend I can text. P can’t be my best and only friend, as well as my boyfriend. That’s too much to expect of one person, and would be rather codependent I think.

Ok, I’m going to step away from this for a few hours, then read it as if it were someone else on reddit, telling me this. And I would say…..

You can’t make someone like you or be friends with you. To make a friend, you have to be a friend. And it’s rather inappropriate to have sexual fantasies about an ex when you’re dating someone.

I think if he’s invested so much time, effort and emotion and it didn’t pay out, it would be so frustrating to not have it returned. If he’s dating someone else who makes him happy, why would he respond to someone who didn’t respond to his affections?

You can keep trying, but don’t expect all that much. It might be best to just leave it. Look elsewhere for friends.

Huh. That was interesting.

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Drama: the Persistent Weed in my Life

In high school, drama is a staple. It fuels the gossip. Back when I was in high school, it was disseminated through phone calls, MSN messenger, (the then relatively new) Facebook, and if you were rich enough, BBMing. It was thrilling and exciting to find out who had done what, and giggle over a tagged photo of someone doing something stupid. But that was me in high school, a mortifyingly socially awkward individual. Since then, I have eschewed all forms of drama.

Just ignore it, don’t get involved.

That was my motto once I entered moved overseas for university. I specifically didn’t hang out with certain groups of people to avoid it. And yet, like fucking weeds in the garden, they have sprung back to life.

Drama starts off as small shoots, and if you ignore the hydrating drizzle of overheard comments, snippets of interaction.. before you know it, those fuckers of weeds are back in your life, sucking the nutritious emotional energy out of your garden that is your life. … that might have been a protracted analogy.

tl;dr = drama is a drain on my life, and it’s back with a vengeance.

And just what areas of my life are experiencing severe drama overgrowth right now?

M has found a new love interest. When I went home for my sister’s wedding, M and I went to NYC for two days and a night. He told me it would be cheaper to share a bed. I said it didn’t matter to me, but asked if it would be a problem for him. M said no. That night, we got into bed. I accept my fault in permitting inappropriate cuddling, instead of doing the awkward and appropriate distance between us on the bed with the sheets fastidiously tucked in. Then we turned the lights off. I was small spoon and could feel his heart beating faster and harder. I could also feel the specific absence of pelvic-to-rear contact, and we know exactly what that means. It was 1am and we were to get up at 5:30-6am ish, and by that point I was simultaneously annoyed, tired and curious. So I sighed, reached down, grasped it and said, “Do you want me to take care of that?” I will confess that I cheated on P and went down on that redhead. I wouldn’t have minded going for a ride, but when M said, “That’s the first time I’ve ever been kissed,” that I drew back and hesitated.

The next morning, I knew I shouldn’t have done it. We came back home, and later that week, we talked about it. I didn’t tell M about P. I gave practical reasons like not wanting to limit either of us from future relationships while we were on opposite sides of the world. Then I pecked him on the lips when I left. Ohhh so smart. not.

I used to get incessant texts. Now? Now I get nothing. I didn’t think much of the textual silence, until I saw some instagram photos of a Philadelphia trip M went on with “a friend”, who happens to be share my ethnicity, which I know M prefers.

I’m not stupid. I think there’s some sort of mutual interest there because:

  • Normal “friends” don’t make faces at each other with their tongues out as if to lick each other.
  • One of M’s texts: “I have been really busy w [a friend].”
  • Delayed replies by 1-2 days vs. previously near-instantaneous replies
  • Brief Twitter research (read: stalking, OR using my resources)

I initiated a text exchange to try and hear about his Philadelphia trip. I’ve gotten nothing but roadblocks back.

It feels like an undercurrent of, “Hey, you didn’t return my affections, I’m going to play mind games and you can see just what you’re missing. Chase me.” Whatever.

No, not whatever. I do care. I like the attention. Even though it was annoying, it was nice to have that interest, even if I was emotionally unavailable. I don’t want some bitch getting claws into my former crush-er. I probably don’t deserve to have a say in that since M is his own individual, and what I did is morally reprehensible. But I still feel that way.

Oh well, time for bed, I have my first proper race next weekend. Must rest up and train tomorrow morning.

Also, my actual garden is overrun with weeds. I should do some weeding this weekend.

Lovesick? I’m sick of it, alright.

If anyone has read far back enough, you might have seen a post about M, wherein I had no idea how to respond when M said they were in serious like with me.

Ok. We were ok for a while. It wasn’t awkward that I turned M’s affections down, no, because we weren’t in the same city anymore, just the same country. Since the incident, M has flown from Sydney back to our hometown and got international texting.

Now, it must be said: M is very nice. M is also a bit young. Like 19 years old young.

However. HOW. EVER. I have counted 100 texts that I’ve received over 5 days. AUGH!! It’s driving me mental!

I realise that being nice is not truly possible if I wish to maintain my sanity and SPACE! I have given as little of a response as possible, sometimes none at all since theoretically, the less material M has to work with, the less there is to talk about. Alas and alack, hints are steadfastly ignored. M makes do with what little I give.

Ways to decrease M’s attentions:

  1. Avoidance. I could continue to give as little response as possible. I doubt this will be successful as after 5 days, M remains quite persistent.
  2. Be blunt. I could say quite plainly, “Go. Away.” Cold, but potentially effective. Like John Lyly wrote in Euphues, “The rules of fair play do not apply in love and war.”
  3. Diversion. “I’m with someone else.” This could work, but given how determined the texts have been, this line could precipitate a confrontation.
  4. Play matchmaker for M with someone else. Not a bad idea.
  5. ???

I don’t want to be cruel since I was also so painfully earnest in my crushes when I was that age. Whatever I choose will have to be some compromise, firm but kind in setting boundaries. If I were on the other side, that’s what I’d want.

FYI, 3 more texts in the time it took to write this. GAH.