Self-Advice Over M

M is being an asshole. He has for a while. I can offer blunt advice to others on reddit, but can’t seem to knock myself out of this one. So perhaps typing it out and reflecting may be helpful.

Ok, so I was clueless and didn’t click that he liked me for years.

  • He moved to Australia to study abroad in Sydney for a semester rather than go to university in his first semester, and ended up taking a gap year. I’m 80% sure the fact that I was studying here in Australia had a small but significant part of that choice. It’s not arrogance, it’s based on his actions, which point towards his intention of wanting to be closer to me.
  • I visited him, and we slept in the same bed, man that was uncomfortable. He made me pancakes in the morning from a website I showed him.
  • He later told me over Skype that he liked me. I was dating P and had no idea what to say other than, “Oh shit.” for a while. I didn’t have the balls to tell him then that I was dating someone.
  • We went to NYC together later that year in December. I used my points, and paid the surcharges. He suggested the hotel, and said it’d be cheaper if we shared a bed. I asked if it would be a problem for him since I didn’t want to be weird for him. He said he was ok, if I was ok. So he booked a single bed. I was the first one to kiss him and possibly the first one to give him a blowjob, but I’m not sure.
  • He’s given me gifts like books, buttons, a fox plushy (omg, just realised, was that like saying “I think you’re foxy”?!?!!?!!!), written me letters that are pages and pages… I had reciprocated and given him presents for his birthday and Christmas.
  • He texted me so much I got annoyed and barely responded.

 

Now the shoe is on the other foot. He barely responds to my texts and outright ignores others. We don’t Skype anymore. No more likes on IG.

I sometimes think of that night in NYC and fantasise that he’s fucking me. Maybe he’s just enamoured with his boyfriend.

What do I want? I want him to be my friend again. I want to have a friend I can text. P can’t be my best and only friend, as well as my boyfriend. That’s too much to expect of one person, and would be rather codependent I think.

Ok, I’m going to step away from this for a few hours, then read it as if it were someone else on reddit, telling me this. And I would say…..

You can’t make someone like you or be friends with you. To make a friend, you have to be a friend. And it’s rather inappropriate to have sexual fantasies about an ex when you’re dating someone.

I think if he’s invested so much time, effort and emotion and it didn’t pay out, it would be so frustrating to not have it returned. If he’s dating someone else who makes him happy, why would he respond to someone who didn’t respond to his affections?

You can keep trying, but don’t expect all that much. It might be best to just leave it. Look elsewhere for friends.

Huh. That was interesting.

P’s Mother Changes Her Mind

Text message from P:

My mum phoned to say she has come to terms with me and you and to say she is glad I’m happy and to tell you that you’re lovely.

I don’t know how I feel. ~ It’s been a while since I posted. A lot has happened and is still going on.

  • I’m going to be an uncle and I’m so terribly excited. I was told first, before anyone else from either family. I guessed that my sister was having a girl. When asked, I predicted she’ll be born November 2nd, a few days past her Oct 29th due date.
  • I have exams right now. I haven’t slept a lot. My routine has been: write exam, nap for 2-3 hours after an exam, then all night study, then nap for 2 hours a few hours before an exam, study some more, write exam, repeat.
  • P woke me 1 hour after texting the above. I thought it was 7:30am.
  • I’m going to Melbourne after exams. I’ve never been. I’m so keen.
  • I’ve been running more. I ran a 12km race last month, I’m doing a 14km race soon, and I have the half marathon in August.
  • I’m thinking about joining the armed forces for a career as a medical professional after graduation.

~ With that out of the way, I have no idea how I feel. Writing things out helps me to figure it out, to process. I’m happy that P’s relationship with his mother is better. I feel no closer to his mother. From my perspective, she met me, was nice, then decided she wasn’t comfortable with us, barely spoke to me for the entire 2 months she was here, then changed her mind 3 months later. It feels patronising, like after much consideration, she’s finally condescended to say, “Fine. I approve.” Either that, or like a child, announcing from the top of the stairs that, “I change my mind! We can do what you want. I’ll come play with you.” I wonder if his father had words to her, and said something like, “Stop being stupid because if they have children, you could never meet them.” In my state of fatigue (10 hours over 3 days, not counting that great nap just now), I will say it’s entirely possible. But realistically, I like to think I wouldn’t be so cruel once less sleep-deprived. Besides, I’d want their help with the babies. I know we would be unlikely to get help from my parents. A few months ago, I rang my mum all frustrated because my dad was telling me that I could live my life how I wanted, but his actions contradicted it. Why ask if you can fly back in August and how long you can stay if you’ve already bought tickets?! I not so subtly hinted that 1) I was dating someone and 2) they would probably have objections. My mum said, “Well if he doesn’t share our faith, then I can’t support that. I have to align myself with our faith.” I said I understood. And I do. I can’t and won’t ask her to compromise her beliefs for me like I did for P. Back to P’s mum. After some consideration, I have some thoughts and questions.

  1. What changed her mind about us?
  2. I don’t feel like being friendly to you. Why should I? Also, why, should I?
  3. I want her to say something to me personally, not via P. Apology for being rude by proxy is not acceptable.
  4. What does this mean for the future?
  5. How will changing her mind impact her interaction with me/us?
  6. Can I expect her to be more than polite, maybe solicitous?
  7. I should probably respond to P’s text. It just has a “Read on …” receipt right now. What else should I say aside from, “Ok. Thanks for the text.”? I don’t want to condone her behaviour as it could set a precedent/tone for the rest of my relationship with her.
  8. Re #3: I don’t know if she actually apologised for being a rude cow. Barely talking to someone, like your son’s partner, is rude even if you’re civil.

I feel less confused, but I don’t think I’ve completely nailed down how I feel. I’m hungry. I wish KFC still had that deal of 9 pieces for $9.95 still going. I want to have a workout. I feel so unfit. That actually reflects my inner conflict quite well.

Is It Crying Time Again?

I’m not happy with our relationship. I’ve thought over this past week or two that I might dump P. There’s been a lot going on.

  1. P told his parents about our relationship about 3-4 weeks ago. It was the first serious one for both of us. But he’s 17 years older than I am. His parents are visiting from the UK, living with P, and originally planned on staying for 3 months. A couple weeks ago on Dec 30, the morning after flying back from halfway across the world and before a shift, I met them. His mother was initially lovely. However, the day after and since then, she has barely said anything to me. P talked to her the night after we met, and she said that I seemed “sweet” but she was worried that I would dump him because I’m that much younger than him. She also wants him to find (I presume) a much more age-appropriate female to marry and produce children. Ouch. We’ve agreed that it’s not me specifically, but she’s not used to the idea. Personally, I think I have a banging ass. And his dad is totally cool and lovely.
  2. Family Stress #1. The day after I met them, a water pipe burst in his house and flooded the washroom. P was out at the time and they didn’t know where the stopcock was to turn off the water. They spent 5 hours waiting for the plumber. The cat was frightened of the plumber. Everything was wet. (I can understand if his mother wasn’t very chatty that evening, but the no conversation thing has continued past that.)
  3. Family Stress #2. I got his mother a massive bouquet that included eucalyptus and lilies. I didn’t know lilies were toxic for cats and their kidneys. So initially, they tried to keep P’s cat separate from the flowers. But then the day after the plumber, P noticed that a bunch of the leaves were eaten. So a trip to the emergency vet ($900 for one night) and 4 days at the vet ($600) made up the rest of that hellish week.
  4. Family Stress #3. This past week on Wednesday night, his parents went away to the wine region to stay with one of P’s uni mates who’s moved here with her husband and children to work and live. I dropped by after work to sleep over. At about 10pm, he got a call from the UK to say that his best friend’s mother had died. P’s parents are good friends with them as well so they were all devastated. Although this is the weekend, they don’t know whether to stay and miss the funeral of their best friend, or go home, miss half of their holiday and have P pay another $1500.

So amidst all this emotional turmoil, why would I ever consider breaking up with P? That would make me a bitch. It would be a really really cruel thing to do.

There have been a number of things going on that have made me wonder why we’re together and if this will last. I do love P. I really do. But there are deal breakers and if nothing is going to change, then we’re just wasting time and emotional energy. It would be better to end it now than waste time and be even more shattered when we break up later. So what reasons do I have?

  1. Children. P has remained steadfast in casual conversation that he likes children, and he’ll work on them. He’s lovely with O&M, the two boys of one of his good mates. But he will regularly say that children are awful between 2-5 years of age as they have no self-control. Uhh…ride it out. They don’t know any better. They’re children
  2. Digs and pot shots. I dare say P ridicules Christianity. He is an atheist and that’s fine. But I don’t make broad sweeping generalisations about them and then brush it off by saying, “Oh, you’re not really an atheist anyway anymore.” Actually I resent that sentiment. I have pretty much sacrificed my faith when I stopped praying, going to church and serving. But you don’t get to judge my faith. And who makes their partner look bad in front of their mates in social situations?? What the hell. On occasion, he has said that maybe I should stay home and study as he didn’t want to get in the way of my degree when I’ve suggested coming over close to exams and mid-semesters. But what happened there was not ok. I don’t know if it’s teasing, but I’m not laughing. I don’t give it back as good as I get because although I talk like a confident bitch, I’m not in real life. I’m a mild milksop in real life.
  3. I’m bored. I like doing couple-y things like cooking dinner, sitting on the couch watching TV and going out to eat. But there has to be more to a relationship, to life than that surely. I can’t imagine doing only that in 5 years time.
  4. His stoicism. Show some goddamn EMOTION would you?? Other than happy, tired, horny, mildly sad, and mildly annoyed! FUCK!!!!!!
  5. His attitude to our relationship during this stressful time. It’s crap. You know, I was expecting tears when P got that call that his quasi-second-mother-slash-aunt-or-whatever had unexpectedly died. (…not that unexpectedly at 88 years old). But I don’t want to hear that you had a cry on your own. I was right here with you on the couch when you got the call, I was right there in your arms after in the silence. What am I, if not in some way emotional support?? And I get that you want to avoid awkward silence between your mother and me, but we’re adults here, we can deal. But when I get there, within minutes P says, “Ok, we can go!” Or tonight, when I dropped him after paella with his mates K&M at their house, it was a peck on the lips and, “I’ll see you tomorrow… maybe.” I feel marginalised. 

I give a lot of slack. I try not to rock the boat. But this has gone on long enough. We need to talk about things. I rang another one of P’s good mates, and she was a great listener. She actually helped me figure out that last point about feeling insecure and encouraged me to give him a little more slack and wait and think as it’s a particularly rough time right now. Ok, I can do that. It would be really awful of me to bring up another difficult conversation while there’s been a death in the family. I can wait. But it has to be said.

I do think I’m going to cry during that conversation. I don’t think he will. I don’t want to cry, I don’t look pretty when I cry. No one does. I’ve already run through how I’d react if he dumped me. I haven’t thought about it the way where I’d be dumping him though.

I need to go for a workout.

Sweet Somethings

There are certain instances when we let our guard down, even the most guarded of us. P came back from his trip in HK on Thursday night. We had Korean for lunch the next day. Then we went back to his place, and after some sleepy cuddling, I suggested we take a nap.

It was a good nap, surprisingly. Normally we sleep back to back on our sides. Your body naturally resists another body trapping and cutting off blood circulation in your arm. And most of us aren’t accustomed to hot breath regularly being blown across our neck/cheeks whilst trying to sleep. But somehow, despite being physically close (I did get hot and kicked back the covers on my side), we both slept.

When we woke up, while we were still drowsy, I murmured, “If you moved back to the UK, would you want me to come with you?” P replied affirmatively, saying he’d want me with him. P then gave reassurances that he wasn’t planning on moving back anytime soon. (Damn.)

I would say with reasonable confidence that I then proceeded to give a mind-blowing blowjob. Considering that he reported that he saw stars, and couldn’t quite recall le petit mort afterwards. Afterwards, he rhetorically asked, “What did I do to deserve you?” and kissed me on the cheek. Awww 🙂

Yes I’m smirking. Like that cat who got the cream. Because I did. Apologies for the lack of class and subtlety.

Drama: the Persistent Weed in my Life

In high school, drama is a staple. It fuels the gossip. Back when I was in high school, it was disseminated through phone calls, MSN messenger, (the then relatively new) Facebook, and if you were rich enough, BBMing. It was thrilling and exciting to find out who had done what, and giggle over a tagged photo of someone doing something stupid. But that was me in high school, a mortifyingly socially awkward individual. Since then, I have eschewed all forms of drama.

Just ignore it, don’t get involved.

That was my motto once I entered moved overseas for university. I specifically didn’t hang out with certain groups of people to avoid it. And yet, like fucking weeds in the garden, they have sprung back to life.

Drama starts off as small shoots, and if you ignore the hydrating drizzle of overheard comments, snippets of interaction.. before you know it, those fuckers of weeds are back in your life, sucking the nutritious emotional energy out of your garden that is your life. … that might have been a protracted analogy.

tl;dr = drama is a drain on my life, and it’s back with a vengeance.

And just what areas of my life are experiencing severe drama overgrowth right now?

M has found a new love interest. When I went home for my sister’s wedding, M and I went to NYC for two days and a night. He told me it would be cheaper to share a bed. I said it didn’t matter to me, but asked if it would be a problem for him. M said no. That night, we got into bed. I accept my fault in permitting inappropriate cuddling, instead of doing the awkward and appropriate distance between us on the bed with the sheets fastidiously tucked in. Then we turned the lights off. I was small spoon and could feel his heart beating faster and harder. I could also feel the specific absence of pelvic-to-rear contact, and we know exactly what that means. It was 1am and we were to get up at 5:30-6am ish, and by that point I was simultaneously annoyed, tired and curious. So I sighed, reached down, grasped it and said, “Do you want me to take care of that?” I will confess that I cheated on P and went down on that redhead. I wouldn’t have minded going for a ride, but when M said, “That’s the first time I’ve ever been kissed,” that I drew back and hesitated.

The next morning, I knew I shouldn’t have done it. We came back home, and later that week, we talked about it. I didn’t tell M about P. I gave practical reasons like not wanting to limit either of us from future relationships while we were on opposite sides of the world. Then I pecked him on the lips when I left. Ohhh so smart. not.

I used to get incessant texts. Now? Now I get nothing. I didn’t think much of the textual silence, until I saw some instagram photos of a Philadelphia trip M went on with “a friend”, who happens to be share my ethnicity, which I know M prefers.

I’m not stupid. I think there’s some sort of mutual interest there because:

  • Normal “friends” don’t make faces at each other with their tongues out as if to lick each other.
  • One of M’s texts: “I have been really busy w [a friend].”
  • Delayed replies by 1-2 days vs. previously near-instantaneous replies
  • Brief Twitter research (read: stalking, OR using my resources)

I initiated a text exchange to try and hear about his Philadelphia trip. I’ve gotten nothing but roadblocks back.

It feels like an undercurrent of, “Hey, you didn’t return my affections, I’m going to play mind games and you can see just what you’re missing. Chase me.” Whatever.

No, not whatever. I do care. I like the attention. Even though it was annoying, it was nice to have that interest, even if I was emotionally unavailable. I don’t want some bitch getting claws into my former crush-er. I probably don’t deserve to have a say in that since M is his own individual, and what I did is morally reprehensible. But I still feel that way.

Oh well, time for bed, I have my first proper race next weekend. Must rest up and train tomorrow morning.

Also, my actual garden is overrun with weeds. I should do some weeding this weekend.

Shopping Together

I have a study group. It’s been helpful. We had a schedule and we went through lecture material, came up with practice questions, shared cake… it’s been good. I imagine it to be like my very own version of Community. Without it, I would have been struggling a lot more because of my own laziness. In one of those lulls, the topic of shopping with partners came up. Nicole said that her husband liked going along and giving advice. I thought and said something to the effect of, “Bullshit.” Personally, I hate going shopping with anyone else. Much like sport, unless I’m personally involved, my feet start to hurt, the bags get heavy, I get bored and I don’t have that much money to spend.

On Friday, after my third exam (head and neck anatomy), I went to see Thoroughly Modern Millie, then slept over at P’s. After breakfast, we went shopping. It was actually a painless process, probably because:

1. There’s a couple of stores we both liked.

2. I didn’t ask for feedback on every single thing I picked and tried on.

I did buy some shorts and on the way home, P said, “I meant to tell you, your ass looked very bootylicious in those shorts.” First off, hahahaha!!!! Who talks like that?! Second, it did make me inordinately happy. I waited till I was home alone to dance around gleefully. So I guess Nicole isn’t wrong, you can go shopping together. I just don’t think it would work her way. I guess they’re the exception to the rule.

To any person dragged along on a shopping trip, be it sister, brother, father, mother, child, aunt, cousin, friend, partner, whatEVER by someone who does want to know if their ass looks fat in this, I condole you. Get a drink and find a chair. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.

Another C Word: Condoms

I was talking to a friend of mine over in Adelaide. In the course of our conversation, J started teasing me about the age difference between myself and P. I said that in 5 years, it wouldn’t be as bad. J was surprised that I was thinking that far ahead. Apparently last time we spoke, I gave the impression that I was unhappy and thus, going to break up with P. And glancing over my posts, yes, there’s doubt, and in healthy amounts too. Why do I stay? There’s a few different reasons.

Foremost, I know P loves me. P can be very considerate. One example of that is the insistence on safe sex. We’ve never had sex without a condom. I’ve asked and tried to cajole P into no condoms to no avail. I’ve teased, I’ve begged, I’ve coaxed and I’ve wheedled. Despite my attempts, P has steadfastly refused. I’m not that desperate for it to be bare. I can be a bit …obsessive though. Last night, when things were starting to get heated, P told me very unexpectedly that some test results had come back; P is completely clear of all STIs including HIV. I teased back, “…Ok. Considering some of the things we’ve done, I should hope so.” With a slight grin, P said that if I wanted, we could do things without a condom. And we did.

I hadn’t really thought about it till then, but I am glad and thankful that P resisted and waited till we knew for sure. It’s a reality that people have STIs unknowingly or otherwise. There are people who don’t know how to have safe sex, or worse still, know and choose to disregard that knowledge.

I have a confession and I don’t really care if it reflects badly on my parents. My parents chose to keep my siblings and I out of the sexual education classes when it came time. I can respect that they wanted to protect us from sexual things before it had to happen, that they had their morals and stuck to them. And it’s true, I think children are exposed to things of a sexual nature far earlier than reasonable. My parents did try to have the talk with me, but I knew what was coming and pretended I was au fait with it all, you know, Mum being a nurse and all.

So you can imagine why just once, the very first time without a condom and suddenly, the realisation struck me,

“Oh. That’s why no one wants to wear a condom.”

It also helped me understand how, without any sexual education, someone might come to hypothesise that extra-attentive cleansing and washing might prevent pregnancy. Gosh I’m glad I went and read up on my own.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, be safe. Condoms aren’t the end of the world, even though they taste funny. In fact, they make things a little easier in terms of clean up. But when you’re with someone and have absolute confidence and evidence that they’re clean, having that reassurance makes what follows that much better. I guess that could be one possible point of differentiation between fucking and doing something that goes beyond sex.