Why I Don’t Like the Missionary Position

I feel like this rather sexually explicit post requires some sort of disclaimer. I searched for some kind of rules regarding this, and couldn’t find any. But here we go:

If you’re under 18 years of age or it’s illegal to read sexual material in your country, please skip over this post and find a less explicit one. Also, I’m sorry if this offends your sensibilities.

With that done…

This is awkward to say, but then again, I think sex is awkward. What’s awkward about it?

  • There are body fluids involved.
  • The noises that are made from flesh squelched up against other flesh and moving. Sometimes hilarious, sometimes mortifying.
  • Some orifices are close to other, more unpleasant orifices.
  • Very few of us with full times jobs or study and other well developed interests are actually super-fit all the time with toned abs, waxed legs and believable skin tones.

There’s probably others, but I will say this: porn has given its audience completely unrealistic sexual expectations. Probably the biggest point of contention: very few girls want to try anal, and even fewer like it.

Another bone I have to pick with porn is that the things that are arousing on screen are most definitely not sexually stimulating in real life. I once asked P to try a little spanking. I ended up laughing my head off.

However, when it comes to the missionary position, which is the most basic one, I find I avoid it where possible. It’s strange, but I have thought it over and determined why I don’t like it.

  • The last inch hurts. And especially when getting close, attempting to avoid inserting the last inch of Tab A into Slot B is seems nigh impossible.
  • Even if it didn’t hurt, I have no idea what to do with my face. Expressions that come to mind are encouraging (as in, “You’re doing great!”), feeling it (as in, “Yes, right there.”) and “I love you.”  But they all seem contrived and insincere. 
  • Running and regular stretching afford a certain flexibility, which on the best of days, is a forehead to kneecaps with unbent knees. However, this is slightly different during sex. And not exactly comfortable.

Look, sometimes I talk during sex. After all, there’s certain logistical details that need to be worked out. You know, what limb goes where, your leg is falling asleep, I need to pee, whatever have you. Sometimes, I laugh too (and not just at trying spanking). Is that normal? I don’t know.

I was petrified at the thought of saying, “I don’t like doing this part of sex with you.” But I steeled myself, thought of how to soften the blow, and said it (nicely). Surprisingly, P was ok with it. After all, there’s heaps more positions to do instead. And really, it needs to be good and comfortable for everyone for it to be fun.

What is normal anyway?

Except for watersports. That shit is not normal.

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