A Long Stream of Consciousness

The parents are here. And somehow, quite civilized. There has been some concerned questioning from my dad as to whether I’m studying enough, but nowhere near the usual level.

I feel stressed out from myself. I honestly love a lot of what we’re doing in dentistry. I like the practical aspect, and most of the cohort seem ok. One or two I doubt I will ever click well with, but that’s ok, it’s bound to happen.

I don’t like how there’s constant assessment. I am much more used to a bunch of lectures, tutorials and practicals, with some midsemesters around a midsemester break, and then final exams that are worth a shitload. Where the lectures are full of information and heaps of note-taking.  This is first year, so there’s recap, where I want to pay attention, but struggle to stay awake so badly. And they seem determined to give us as little information as possible. How that’s supposed to make us quality graduates, I don’t know. Just make me a good dentist, that’s all I want.

Time to unload the guilt.

  • Here because I haven’t prayed in ages.
  • The house was a mess before my parents came and helped clean.
  • I hid P’s valentine’s day card, and one tag from the 5 or 6 Christmas presents. I returned the dildo. (I never used it, and it smells funny.) I hope they haven’t gone snooping in my drawers and found the Vitamin S citrate.
  • I’ve been lazy. I’ve been slack. I haven’t stayed on top of my lectures. I rode by the seat of my pants on that morphology OSCE and hope to God I passed. I hated the feeling of uncertainty the entire time. I vowed never to feel that way again. And here I am, with my drawings due tomorrow, possibly. And another barrier assessment on Tuesday. And assignment that was postponed to Friday. And I know there are other things, but I’m not organised enough to know them. I must get organised. I have a week off next week, just need to make it through to then and use every bit of spare time I have.
  • I saw P for a bit on Saturday after the radiating chest-pain scare, and it was really great. P said, “I missed you,” and meant it. Right now, I miss P horribly. I want that closeness and physical affection. I’ve wanted to say, “I love you,” for a while now and keep holding back for fear of how P will react. I should start taking Pristiq again.
  • I lied about being on Pristiq regularly to the Faculty of Dentistry in that I insinuated I’m on it all the time and am seeing a counsellor regularly. I’m still going to keep it on record, though RK is a psychiatrist by training so Dan tells me.
  • Dan offered to set me up with a guy named Vinnie and I didn’t tell him I was attached.
  • I have all these little errands to run, like replacing the Prius windshield, requesting leave,  selling the Toyota, organising all my little papers all over the place, and sorting out the study drawers and boxes.
  • I was an asshole after a lovely time at the Fringe Festival and night at the Terrace Hotel, and told L I couldn’t do whatever it was we were doing because I was hung up on my ex. L suggested amiable terms, and I was completely blindsided, but I gave enough hints through refusal to text or talk on the phone about it.
  • Oh God, I’m so sinful. And I still want to get what I want, but now I’m not sure what I want.
  • I daydream about a future with P, sometimes with adopting a child in the UK, sometimes with a child through surrogacy, sometimes in Singapore. I’ve googled adoption agencies in the UK. I’ve googled migration to the UK. I’ve thought about moving to Singapore. to Toronto.
  • I can apply for citizenship in 7 days, the 22nd or the 24th. I have no idea how to.

My macbook keeps starting the fan up like it’s boiling hot. and it is. I don’t know why. I should take care of it. There. Better.

Gia knows about dentistry. People can’t keep their mouths shut. I don’t care anymore. My neck hurts.

I feel so fucking unoriginal.

I know I have fun with P. I don’t know why I’m such an excessive person and lack self-control. Even L said it. Arrow hitting home. I will admit, I’m not enough.

I do believe in God. My problem is I have no idea how he fits in. I suspect God is supposed to be the source of direction in my life, but I fight to surrender all the control. It’s not always clear. And I don’t like forgiveness all the time. I feel like the guilt is … whatever. It doesn’t count. It almost absolves me not to care and to fuck up again. I know Romans 6 says grace doesn’t give me free reign, but it feels like it doesn’t hit home. No consequences. And that’s not ok.

P doesn’t believe in God. P’s best mate A used to, doesn’t anymore.

It’s funny. There are people with the same initials as my sisters in the post, who I speak to more than my sisters. It’s not funny. It’s sad. I miss them. It’s sometimes awkward interacting with them. Sometimes I care, and then others I think, “Well, they’re adults, they’re soon going to all be married, and have their own lives. Different countries and all that.” Family is definitely a reason to go home after all this. I just can’t stand how quintessentially (North) American anyone back home sound when they speak. It grates on my nerves.

Anyway. I need to:

  1. Draw and shade all those five aspects of the 36. Fuck not tracing, I don’t give it a shit. I’d copy the shading if I could. …maybe I will.
  2. Study for the test on Tuesday
  3. Do the assignment for Friday

Wow that feels good to write all down.

Oh and I just remembered, I am setting little goals to achieve. For this semester, going home to Toronto. For this year/second semester, going to Malaysia for Kesh’s wedding. This week, … dinner with Mum before she leaves? a few hours with P? possibly a movie? all three? I don’t know. I’m going to listen to something inspiring. and breathe. then go.

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